Wednesday, 8 March 2017

Are You Jerking My Chain?

My second sperm analysis took place the day before my ultrasound. I like to refer to this one as my "deposit" because the idea is that if they were able to get a viable number and quality of sperm, they would freeze it and put it in the sperm bank for use at a later time. This nifty little procedure came at a cool (see what I did there?) cost of $425. Given the extremely low count from my first analysis, we made sure if there was not enough viable sperm to freeze, we could get a refund for the cost of the freezing.

**Something I learned while writing this post is that apparently there isn't a formal synonym in the thesaurus for the word "masturbate", however there is a wealth of options in the Urban Dictionary, that I'll share with you.**

This time around was actually closer to what I had expected when going into my first analysis. This one didn't take place at a hospital's masturbatorium (apparently these nasty little rooms have a name, I swear I didn't make it up); this one was at the private clinic. The last time I was at this clinic was when I found out I was infertile, so I wasn't really looking forward to going to the appointment by myself. Plus there was something about leaving work for an hour to "buff your banana" into a cup only to go back to work and go on about your day like nothing happened that just didn't sit well with me.

Or maybe it's just the whole procedure, I mean, literally every person you come into contact with knows you're there to "yank the crank". The two ladies at reception, the grumpy looking one who comes out of the hallway door to escort you to the lab, and then there's the lab tech; every single one of them knows that behind that door, you're "pumping the python". The only thing I could think of that could be more awkward would be sex in a mattress store...unless that's something you're into (no judgement).

Private masturbatorium
The other differences between the hospital and the private clinic is that your "willy whipping" material is provided in a couple different forms. After confirming my name and birthdate the lab tech handed me a clipboard with a questionnaire, a sterile cup, and offered me an iPad in a waterproof case. She informed me the WiFi password was on the back of the iPad but I declined the iPad for two reasons:

1) I don't know where that iPad has been.
2) I can deal with people knowing what I'm doing, but what kind of porn I watch is a personal decision that I prefer to keep to myself. Not that I'm into "footjob" videos or anything weird like that, it's just personal, like when you have company and you close your bedroom door to keep them from seeing the dirty laundry strewn all over your floor.

The little room at the new clinic was very similar and the chair was almost identical except it was a shade of grey instead of black.  It still had the blinding fluorescent lights which was intensified by the bright white floor, wall, sink, and cupboard. If I was to make any suggestion, I would seriously recommend they add some LED bulbs and a dimmer switch to that room; the brightness makes you feel like you're being watched. Sitting on the cupboard in this room was a stack of old porno magazines that were exactly what I had expected at my first analysis appointment; they were dusty, and looked to be somewhat water damaged, I thought it best not to touch them, but it was at that moment that I became genuinely grateful that I am alive during the time of smartphones and WiFi.

The directions on this wall were also a little different, they didn't include rubber gloves or sanitary wipes to clean the chair, so I did the best I could with paper towels and water, placing a lot of trust in my assumption that they sterilize the room and chair after every use. They did, however, provide lube but made sure to insist that only the provided lube be used for its sperm-safe properties.

Sperm-safe lube
Following completion of my business I filled out the obligatory questionnaire which basically asks you two things: if you abstained from "polishing your rifle" for 2-5 days like they instructed you to, and how your aim was, more specifically; what percentage of your swimmers made it into the cup. I proudly marked down 100% because my rifle is dead accurate, it just apparently shoots a lot of blanks.

I deposited my sample with the andrologist and returned to the front desk to talk to the receptionist. We had been told that the wait to see the urologist may be a while because he basically flies out to Edmonton from Vancouver specifically for appointments here, so I wanted to ask if I could be referred to the clinic in B.C. for a quicker consult. I figured there was no point in waiting any longer than we had to, who knows how long this would take. They gave me the number for my doctor's assistant and my receipt for the sperm deposit and sent me on my way, somewhat lighter than when I entered.


  1. Chad, although your struggles sadden me, your blog makes my day!


    Love you bro!
    - "C"